I took the advice to stay away from other women, not date, don't get involved, etc. with somewhat of a pinch of salt. What harm would it do to dip my toe back in the water? After all, I've spent most of my adult life in a relationship - it's what I know, it's what I like, it's what I am comfortable with.
But now I can see the point. Don't get me wrong, I am in love with a beautiful, strong, intelligent woman, but there is now this feeling of wanting to just do my own thing when I want to do it. I've become conditioned to always ensuring that what I did was okay with someone else and this past year or so has shown me the occasional glimpse of what it's like to have complete free will to do whatever, whenever, wherever, and with whomever... it feels good!! And it's a time I don't want to miss out on.
If you're newly separated you need time to get back to normal. Everything has been upside down in my life for the past few years and it's only right about now can I say that I'm beginning to lose the numb feeling. Take time for yourself - don't rush back in.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
For Sale: Two children
Beena while since I posted. Not much of a diary this once a month lark. The good news is that if I'm not posting then the chances are that life is back to smooth sailing. But like any sea, that's temporary and the waves will crash again.
Last week we were back in court. Thankfully, this nightmare is now over and I am divorced. I took the ex back to court because she wouldn't agree to give permission for the children to leave the country on vacation with me. Even with the constant requests from the children for her to let them go she was a brick wall.
"I have my reasons", said she. "Please tell me then", said I. "I'd rather not", says she. And the music continues to play, and the dancers continue to dance. She managed to drag this on enough over summer to ensure that they missed their chance while they had it to go.
The day before the court date we (my lawyer and I) received word that she would allow the children to go to Europe with no strings attached. Except, there was the little matter over some disputed property amounting to a value of around $20,000. She wanted it. I refused to allow her to have it and, surprise surprise, we couldn't get an agreement from them to this 'no strings attached' deal. We went to court the next day and it was looking like 50/50 odds whether I'd win the day on the property issue and the chances are that if I lost I'd be stuck with her legal bill. So, they offered the deal again, bit better, we spilt the property and I get the kids.
So, there we have it. I thanked her lawyer for the offer asked how he manages to sleep at night knowing that he is a peddlar of children. He asked me to be not so rude and I obviously apologized. My mistake - I confused selling and exploitation. I confused the roles. My wife was selling the children; the lawyer was creating the framework for the exploitation. I asked how they could object and link the children to this kind of transaction but they were, for a change, quite silent.
I took the deal.
I could care less about money and property when it relates to the hopes, desires, and dreams of my children. To throw the children into a pot along with everything else created by a marriage is nothing short of disgusting. I wrote my ex an email that day to mark the moment of this new low. I had no point other than to create a record of the day that she put a sticker price on each of the children and took home her pieces of silver. She doesn't have blood on her hands, but she has the tears of small children that wanted to go away with me and couldn't.
Her point often was that the timing wasn't right. To this end she was spot on. The timing was too soon and giving the kids their rights simply didn't fit in with her legal strategy.
Shame on you. And shame on anyone that ever toys with the lives of their children to support whatever notion of fairness lies inside your brain.
Last week we were back in court. Thankfully, this nightmare is now over and I am divorced. I took the ex back to court because she wouldn't agree to give permission for the children to leave the country on vacation with me. Even with the constant requests from the children for her to let them go she was a brick wall.
"I have my reasons", said she. "Please tell me then", said I. "I'd rather not", says she. And the music continues to play, and the dancers continue to dance. She managed to drag this on enough over summer to ensure that they missed their chance while they had it to go.
The day before the court date we (my lawyer and I) received word that she would allow the children to go to Europe with no strings attached. Except, there was the little matter over some disputed property amounting to a value of around $20,000. She wanted it. I refused to allow her to have it and, surprise surprise, we couldn't get an agreement from them to this 'no strings attached' deal. We went to court the next day and it was looking like 50/50 odds whether I'd win the day on the property issue and the chances are that if I lost I'd be stuck with her legal bill. So, they offered the deal again, bit better, we spilt the property and I get the kids.
So, there we have it. I thanked her lawyer for the offer asked how he manages to sleep at night knowing that he is a peddlar of children. He asked me to be not so rude and I obviously apologized. My mistake - I confused selling and exploitation. I confused the roles. My wife was selling the children; the lawyer was creating the framework for the exploitation. I asked how they could object and link the children to this kind of transaction but they were, for a change, quite silent.
I took the deal.
I could care less about money and property when it relates to the hopes, desires, and dreams of my children. To throw the children into a pot along with everything else created by a marriage is nothing short of disgusting. I wrote my ex an email that day to mark the moment of this new low. I had no point other than to create a record of the day that she put a sticker price on each of the children and took home her pieces of silver. She doesn't have blood on her hands, but she has the tears of small children that wanted to go away with me and couldn't.
Her point often was that the timing wasn't right. To this end she was spot on. The timing was too soon and giving the kids their rights simply didn't fit in with her legal strategy.
Shame on you. And shame on anyone that ever toys with the lives of their children to support whatever notion of fairness lies inside your brain.
Friday, October 12, 2007
My new role - babysitter
I thought the going rate for a babysitter was around $8-$10 an hour.
It turns out that there is a ready supply of free babysitters. They're older, more mature, sometimes more responsible, hardly likely to bring a date around, burn the place the down, or eat you out of house and home. Neither are they likely to run up a phone bill. They're also called 'Fathers'.
I find it amazing that it's always in the 'best interests of the children' to have the father watch the kids when she wants to do something and always 'not in the best interests of the kids' (disruptive to schedule, something already planned, etc.) when I want to see the girls.
It turns out that there is a ready supply of free babysitters. They're older, more mature, sometimes more responsible, hardly likely to bring a date around, burn the place the down, or eat you out of house and home. Neither are they likely to run up a phone bill. They're also called 'Fathers'.
I find it amazing that it's always in the 'best interests of the children' to have the father watch the kids when she wants to do something and always 'not in the best interests of the kids' (disruptive to schedule, something already planned, etc.) when I want to see the girls.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Religion - That Old Chesnut
My ex comes from a fairly strict catholic background. Which effectively means that her family demonstrates to the entire world that they're great Christians and then, while nobody's looking, do the exact opposite of what you'd expect of people following Christian principles. Oh, sure, they give a good amount of money to the church, they even make sizable donations to various church-led charities, and their names appear on the various lists that the church puts out to show who's giving what. What great catholics they are; what great Christians. Of course, my ex mother-in-law can screw her husband's best friend behind his back but as long as she donates and goes to confession it'll wipe the slate clean.
To lay it out there, I do not believe in God. I also believe that organized religion is a terrible institution that is primarily geared to put the fear of hell (literally and metaphorically) into people to get them to do, en masse, exactly what the church wants them to. This had it's place thousands of years ago when the church was effectively the government and the ideas behind republics, democracies, and elected parliaments were just beginning to take shape. But not today.
Anyway, before I get off on too much of a tangent, I was reading a book. It's called "God is not Great" by Christopher Hitchens. It's a fabulous book and the girls saw me reading it. Naturally inquisitive, they asked me what is was all about. So, I told them.
My ex insists that the girls go to catholic religion classes once a week after school. She also sent them, without my knowledge, to a week long camp that was put on by the catholic church. Suffice to say, the brainwashing is fully operational.
My 8 year old is very smart. Both the girls are smart, but because the eldest is 2 years older she's at a point where she can apply more reason to what she hears. She asks some great questions and concludes that there is no such thing as God either. I warn her that this is just my opinion and the opinion of the writer of the book. What she needs to do is to always keep an open mind and inquire for herself. I must admit, when she said that she was going to go to her next religion class and tell the teacher that there was no God a shiver ran down my spine and could only imagine what would happen the day after that conversation took place.
The scary part of all this was my 6 year old. She said there absolutely was a God and he's in all of us. She said that she had proof because when she was at the camp she was afraid of jumping in the 5' end but the teacher told her God would help her float so if she believed then she would float. She jumped in, floated, and now believes that God did this. Another miracle.
Here's the deal - my 6 year old can swim about 5 feet before she runs out of steam and starts to go under. She's less than 4' tall. And now she thinks that God is a flotation device. How completely fucked up can these people get? I'll go along with the classes and offset what they say with my own input so they can make their own mind up but when it comes to telling them complete bullshit that could effectively put their lives at risk I have to draw a line.
To lay it out there, I do not believe in God. I also believe that organized religion is a terrible institution that is primarily geared to put the fear of hell (literally and metaphorically) into people to get them to do, en masse, exactly what the church wants them to. This had it's place thousands of years ago when the church was effectively the government and the ideas behind republics, democracies, and elected parliaments were just beginning to take shape. But not today.
Anyway, before I get off on too much of a tangent, I was reading a book. It's called "God is not Great" by Christopher Hitchens. It's a fabulous book and the girls saw me reading it. Naturally inquisitive, they asked me what is was all about. So, I told them.
My ex insists that the girls go to catholic religion classes once a week after school. She also sent them, without my knowledge, to a week long camp that was put on by the catholic church. Suffice to say, the brainwashing is fully operational.
My 8 year old is very smart. Both the girls are smart, but because the eldest is 2 years older she's at a point where she can apply more reason to what she hears. She asks some great questions and concludes that there is no such thing as God either. I warn her that this is just my opinion and the opinion of the writer of the book. What she needs to do is to always keep an open mind and inquire for herself. I must admit, when she said that she was going to go to her next religion class and tell the teacher that there was no God a shiver ran down my spine and could only imagine what would happen the day after that conversation took place.
The scary part of all this was my 6 year old. She said there absolutely was a God and he's in all of us. She said that she had proof because when she was at the camp she was afraid of jumping in the 5' end but the teacher told her God would help her float so if she believed then she would float. She jumped in, floated, and now believes that God did this. Another miracle.
Here's the deal - my 6 year old can swim about 5 feet before she runs out of steam and starts to go under. She's less than 4' tall. And now she thinks that God is a flotation device. How completely fucked up can these people get? I'll go along with the classes and offset what they say with my own input so they can make their own mind up but when it comes to telling them complete bullshit that could effectively put their lives at risk I have to draw a line.
The New Boyfriend
Well it had to happen eventually.. the new boyfriend shows up.
The girls talked about 'mom's boyfriend' this weekend. After receiving a truly awful email and an accompanying ear bashing from the ex about my girlfriend I was astonished at the hypocrisy. Ex was caught out red handed and with it firmly stuck in the cookie jar.
I told the ex that the girls had mentioned that she had a boyfriend, let's call him "The guy that is soon going to find out exactly how much this woman costs to keep alive and better make sure he's prepared to pay the price" or "Mr. X" for short. She said it was none of my business, but she has a 'friend' and the girls have met him in a 'work environment'. Then I said that I knew about this because my daughter told me that she discovered he and her at 1am in the morning in a room in the house supposedly away from little prying eyes. Ahhh... Ex turns a slight shade of red. Then she offers the explanation that they were just 'friends' and were 'talking'. So, 'just friends' come round at 1am and 'just talk' in a room that my daughter can peer into and see an activity that is obviously not talking. Ahhh... Ex gets redder. "Okay", say she. He is my boyfriend and maybe I should tell the girls.
Well how about you tell me!!
It's absolutely to be expected that new people will come into our lives. Thank God they do because we both deserve to be happy. Life is way too short to be miserable. But, always use the same yardstick to react to that other person and always treat the ex in exactly the same way as one would expect to be treated.
The girls talked about 'mom's boyfriend' this weekend. After receiving a truly awful email and an accompanying ear bashing from the ex about my girlfriend I was astonished at the hypocrisy. Ex was caught out red handed and with it firmly stuck in the cookie jar.
I told the ex that the girls had mentioned that she had a boyfriend, let's call him "The guy that is soon going to find out exactly how much this woman costs to keep alive and better make sure he's prepared to pay the price" or "Mr. X" for short. She said it was none of my business, but she has a 'friend' and the girls have met him in a 'work environment'. Then I said that I knew about this because my daughter told me that she discovered he and her at 1am in the morning in a room in the house supposedly away from little prying eyes. Ahhh... Ex turns a slight shade of red. Then she offers the explanation that they were just 'friends' and were 'talking'. So, 'just friends' come round at 1am and 'just talk' in a room that my daughter can peer into and see an activity that is obviously not talking. Ahhh... Ex gets redder. "Okay", say she. He is my boyfriend and maybe I should tell the girls.
Well how about you tell me!!
It's absolutely to be expected that new people will come into our lives. Thank God they do because we both deserve to be happy. Life is way too short to be miserable. But, always use the same yardstick to react to that other person and always treat the ex in exactly the same way as one would expect to be treated.
Monday, October 1, 2007
The Anger Mirror
Anger towards another person is so very often anger that we have with ourselves but just directed at another so that we can make sense of it all.
I'm convinced that most of the anger and bitterness that my ex has towards me is really just anger with herself. She and I spent years in a loveless relationship and the only thing keeping her in it, in my opinion, was that the timing wasn't right. She stayed in with the view that she could get out when the kids started school and she could go get a job. The job she thought she'd take is very different from the one she ended up with. In other words, she actually has to go to work with this one.
She ended up with much less than she thought she was going to get. She must have been fuming on the day that she found out just exactly how much it would be that she'd be leaving the marriage with. Suffice to say, she surely thought that sticking in it didn't pay off.
I feel really sorry for her occasionally. Here's a woman that effectively prostituted herself (except there was no sex involved) so that she could time it right, get out, take a boat load of cash, and then get a cushy job to fill in the gaps. It didn't work out for her so she must be looking at me as the John that ran out on her.
She looks through the anger mirror, it's one way, and hopefully one day her reflection will bounce back and hit her in the face. Maybe at that time she'll stop blaming me and being angry with me for her decision to hang on in there.
I'm convinced that most of the anger and bitterness that my ex has towards me is really just anger with herself. She and I spent years in a loveless relationship and the only thing keeping her in it, in my opinion, was that the timing wasn't right. She stayed in with the view that she could get out when the kids started school and she could go get a job. The job she thought she'd take is very different from the one she ended up with. In other words, she actually has to go to work with this one.
She ended up with much less than she thought she was going to get. She must have been fuming on the day that she found out just exactly how much it would be that she'd be leaving the marriage with. Suffice to say, she surely thought that sticking in it didn't pay off.
I feel really sorry for her occasionally. Here's a woman that effectively prostituted herself (except there was no sex involved) so that she could time it right, get out, take a boat load of cash, and then get a cushy job to fill in the gaps. It didn't work out for her so she must be looking at me as the John that ran out on her.
She looks through the anger mirror, it's one way, and hopefully one day her reflection will bounce back and hit her in the face. Maybe at that time she'll stop blaming me and being angry with me for her decision to hang on in there.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Scruples
In the 80's there was a board game called Scruples. It was a funny game, for adults, that had you discuss great moral dilemmas and your friends playing the game would vote on what course of action you'd take..
I find that my entire personal life is now a living version of this game. Dating, introducing the girls to a new love in my life, etc. I'm very fortunate that I have found a beautiful, intelligent, and strong woman who sees enough in me to be happy to be my girlfriend. She loves the girls and the girls love being around her. For the first time in years the girls are seeing what it's like for two adults to love and care for each other. They're seeing the role model that demonstrates love, nurturing, and respect - something my ex and I were never really able to show them.
But here's the rub, my ex has a problem with all of this. My girlfriend isn't allowed to spend the night if the girls are with me and I can tell from the questions that the girls ask me that they are being primed to find out more information to take back to base camp. Now the lawyers have been brought back into the frame. Her position being that I am being monumentally selfish and irresponsible by allowing my daughters to see that an unmarried couple can share a bedroom. Apparently I am promoting and supporting the notion that it's ok to have sex if you're not married; a moral minefield that I am supposedly pushing my daughters into.
Personally, I'd like to focus on the issue of them having (or not having, more to the point) sex when they become teenagers. Giving them a foundation where they understand that sex is only appropriate in a loving, stable, and respectful relationship is only going to be possible if they see one of these relationships for themselves. Of course I believe that in a perfect world two people meet, fall in love, get married, and these two virgins have sex for the first time on the night of their wedding, they live until they're an old age, never straying, and they pass away in their sleep. But that's probably not what's going to happen so we do the best we can.
How frustrating it is to finally be able to show the girls all that they have been missing only to have it pushed back in my face. In this game of scruples it's not the children who win.
I find that my entire personal life is now a living version of this game. Dating, introducing the girls to a new love in my life, etc. I'm very fortunate that I have found a beautiful, intelligent, and strong woman who sees enough in me to be happy to be my girlfriend. She loves the girls and the girls love being around her. For the first time in years the girls are seeing what it's like for two adults to love and care for each other. They're seeing the role model that demonstrates love, nurturing, and respect - something my ex and I were never really able to show them.
But here's the rub, my ex has a problem with all of this. My girlfriend isn't allowed to spend the night if the girls are with me and I can tell from the questions that the girls ask me that they are being primed to find out more information to take back to base camp. Now the lawyers have been brought back into the frame. Her position being that I am being monumentally selfish and irresponsible by allowing my daughters to see that an unmarried couple can share a bedroom. Apparently I am promoting and supporting the notion that it's ok to have sex if you're not married; a moral minefield that I am supposedly pushing my daughters into.
Personally, I'd like to focus on the issue of them having (or not having, more to the point) sex when they become teenagers. Giving them a foundation where they understand that sex is only appropriate in a loving, stable, and respectful relationship is only going to be possible if they see one of these relationships for themselves. Of course I believe that in a perfect world two people meet, fall in love, get married, and these two virgins have sex for the first time on the night of their wedding, they live until they're an old age, never straying, and they pass away in their sleep. But that's probably not what's going to happen so we do the best we can.
How frustrating it is to finally be able to show the girls all that they have been missing only to have it pushed back in my face. In this game of scruples it's not the children who win.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
WWTD?
I got a call from my lawyer today asking if I had called my ex-wife a rather colorful expletive containing 4 letters, first letter being 'c'. It turns out that she has been recording all my phone calls to her as well as the times that I am at the house.
I'm hardly surprised. She gets us to the point of total frustration, winds me up like a clock, gets the argument going and hits the record button. Nice.
Not every ex is going to record you but best be prepared for the worst. As a friend of mine used to say, "Trust in the Lord, but lock up your camels!"
In response to my lawyer's question I asked him if her lawyer had said that I prefaced the 'C' word with the words "M***** F***ing B**** of a" as the chances are that if I didn't it must have been someone else on the phone.
For years there was this fad for wearing WWJD? bracelets. Asking 'What Would Jesus Do?' is one way, I guess, to keep oneself on track in the face of what life has to throw at us. I'm thinking of bringing out a line of bracelets myself with 'WWTD?' In my case it means, 'What Would Tony (Soprano) Do?'
I'm hardly surprised. She gets us to the point of total frustration, winds me up like a clock, gets the argument going and hits the record button. Nice.
Not every ex is going to record you but best be prepared for the worst. As a friend of mine used to say, "Trust in the Lord, but lock up your camels!"
In response to my lawyer's question I asked him if her lawyer had said that I prefaced the 'C' word with the words "M***** F***ing B**** of a" as the chances are that if I didn't it must have been someone else on the phone.
For years there was this fad for wearing WWJD? bracelets. Asking 'What Would Jesus Do?' is one way, I guess, to keep oneself on track in the face of what life has to throw at us. I'm thinking of bringing out a line of bracelets myself with 'WWTD?' In my case it means, 'What Would Tony (Soprano) Do?'
The Nintendo game of Life
Today is early release day for the kids. This is the first time this year that it has fell on a Wednesday and the first time I have ever been late picking up the girls from school. They ended up waiting back in the office while I went to get them. Of course, the phone call from the school to my ex went down like a fart in a divers helmet. Count backwards from 3 - 2 - 1.. Brrrrring there goes the phone, ranting and raving ex on the other side of what was a peaceful existence for a few brief moments in time. I do recall getting the email from the ex saying was early release about 1 month ago but it just slipped through the cracks. My bad. At first I was apologetic, it was an error on my part, a human oversight. It didn't matter how bad I felt, she had to pile it on with additional 'what would have happened if...' doomsday scenarios. It's another opportunity for her to exercise some muscle, play the control freak, and generally bask in the opportunity to have a go at me. And then I realised, her rage wasn't coming out of a fear for the children's safety it was just another golden opportunity to score a few points to be used against me as we continue to battle over visitation and custody rights.
The thing I find totally frustrating about my new found position in life is that I feel that I'm operating in my own version of some kind of Nintendo game. Yesterday I had 3 lives left and 1000 points. Today I still have 3 lives but I'm down to 500 points. Depending on whether she decides to tell her lawyer that I was late picking up the girls or not will determine whether I get to keep a life.
The thing about these points is that they never go up. Doesn't matter how many levels you clear or hoops you jump through, the points never, ever go up. They only go down. It doesn't matter that this week I took time away from work to take care of the girls because she needed to be away. All that matters is I fucked up and that'll cost me.
Fortunately, when it comes to Nintendo games, young children are much better than adults and when they see my points going up and they find ways to express their happiness. Sometimes the points come down but they have untainted hearts that allows forgiveness to easily flow. We could learn a lot more from children if we wanted to and not just about Super Mario Brothers. That's what keeps me sane.
The thing I find totally frustrating about my new found position in life is that I feel that I'm operating in my own version of some kind of Nintendo game. Yesterday I had 3 lives left and 1000 points. Today I still have 3 lives but I'm down to 500 points. Depending on whether she decides to tell her lawyer that I was late picking up the girls or not will determine whether I get to keep a life.
The thing about these points is that they never go up. Doesn't matter how many levels you clear or hoops you jump through, the points never, ever go up. They only go down. It doesn't matter that this week I took time away from work to take care of the girls because she needed to be away. All that matters is I fucked up and that'll cost me.
Fortunately, when it comes to Nintendo games, young children are much better than adults and when they see my points going up and they find ways to express their happiness. Sometimes the points come down but they have untainted hearts that allows forgiveness to easily flow. We could learn a lot more from children if we wanted to and not just about Super Mario Brothers. That's what keeps me sane.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
The genius of childhood
My 8 year old has now recognized that 'maybe later' and 'we'll see' actually are adult code words for 'No'.
She's now confused. If adults really mean 'no' why replace this very short word with other longer ones? She's also wondering why adults don't just tell her 'no' and be done with it. I'm thinking the exact same thing.
There was a time in her life when 'maybe later' or 'we'll see' brought about a glimmer of hope. She knew that she couldn't have what she wanted now, but maybe, she thought, just perhaps, hopefully, you never now, if I just play my cards right, I'll get it later. That was before she had to start asking her mother for things that now require her blessing and permission rather than just mine.
She's now confused. If adults really mean 'no' why replace this very short word with other longer ones? She's also wondering why adults don't just tell her 'no' and be done with it. I'm thinking the exact same thing.
There was a time in her life when 'maybe later' or 'we'll see' brought about a glimmer of hope. She knew that she couldn't have what she wanted now, but maybe, she thought, just perhaps, hopefully, you never now, if I just play my cards right, I'll get it later. That was before she had to start asking her mother for things that now require her blessing and permission rather than just mine.
Monday, September 10, 2007
The abuse of power
I find it staggering how a woman, a mother, can put her feelings towards her ex-husband ahead of her responsibilities to her children.
I suggested co-parenting training from a counselor but this was rebuffed completely out of hand. I am convinced she doesn't want to face facts that she is abusing her power. With power comes responsibility; with responsibility comes accountability. By God is this woman going to be held to account if she doesn't change her ways.
I suggested co-parenting training from a counselor but this was rebuffed completely out of hand. I am convinced she doesn't want to face facts that she is abusing her power. With power comes responsibility; with responsibility comes accountability. By God is this woman going to be held to account if she doesn't change her ways.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Anger Management
"You will find yourself becoming so angry at one point or another that you will seriously test your limitations of self-control. Control it."
I say these words to myself all the time. The sheer frustration is almost palpable. I've never experienced this before. Often times we get angry, frustrated, annoyed, call it what you will but these are about events that, in the grand scheme of things, really don't matter much. Usually, there's a beginning and an end to whatever it was that made us angry. But when it comes to your children it's a whole different ball game. It can go on every day, day in, day out.
I really don't think that women appreciate what it feels like for a man to be removed from his children's lives. I use the word 'removed' in a particular way. I take full responsibility for any and all of my actions that led to the divorce and the obvious separation that brings in the family. I never expected to continue to live together as a couple and neither did I expect to be involved in my children's lives as I was while we were married. But, there is still a feeling of removal in the sense that I would desperately prefer to have more access to them but the right (if you can call it that) has been removed from me. More to the point, my children's rights have been removed.
I was reading an article the other day about Fathers 4 Justice. They've just started here in the US after a rather eventful past few years in the UK. The founder is best known for dressing up as Batman (He usually has an accomplice, dressed as Robin) and then making some kind of very public protest. To launch their US operation he, along with 'Robin' scaled the Lincoln Memorial. Here's a video http://www.f4j.us/uploads/media/20070817.wmv
One can argue the merits of such a public spectacle but one thing is for sure, they get noticed. Their stories are read and it's one way of releasing the frustration without getting angry with your ex. Getting angry rarely works in any situation. Anger is a survival instinct, not a louder way to negotiate. Putting the anger to work in a positive way is always the best option so I think I'll add this to the rest of the words I repeat to myself whenever I start to boil from the inside.
I say these words to myself all the time. The sheer frustration is almost palpable. I've never experienced this before. Often times we get angry, frustrated, annoyed, call it what you will but these are about events that, in the grand scheme of things, really don't matter much. Usually, there's a beginning and an end to whatever it was that made us angry. But when it comes to your children it's a whole different ball game. It can go on every day, day in, day out.
I really don't think that women appreciate what it feels like for a man to be removed from his children's lives. I use the word 'removed' in a particular way. I take full responsibility for any and all of my actions that led to the divorce and the obvious separation that brings in the family. I never expected to continue to live together as a couple and neither did I expect to be involved in my children's lives as I was while we were married. But, there is still a feeling of removal in the sense that I would desperately prefer to have more access to them but the right (if you can call it that) has been removed from me. More to the point, my children's rights have been removed.
I was reading an article the other day about Fathers 4 Justice. They've just started here in the US after a rather eventful past few years in the UK. The founder is best known for dressing up as Batman (He usually has an accomplice, dressed as Robin) and then making some kind of very public protest. To launch their US operation he, along with 'Robin' scaled the Lincoln Memorial. Here's a video http://www.f4j.us/uploads/media/20070817.wmv
One can argue the merits of such a public spectacle but one thing is for sure, they get noticed. Their stories are read and it's one way of releasing the frustration without getting angry with your ex. Getting angry rarely works in any situation. Anger is a survival instinct, not a louder way to negotiate. Putting the anger to work in a positive way is always the best option so I think I'll add this to the rest of the words I repeat to myself whenever I start to boil from the inside.
In the best interests of the children
What exactly does this mean?
"In the best interests of the children."
By definition, one would think that it means that the right course of action is that which will have the most benefit for the children even if it means that one parent isn't getting their own way. Given path A or path B, the path to take shall be the one that is the right one considering all the information we have at this time and what we know about the children.
But it really doesn't mean this at all. What it really means is, "If I don't agree with you, then I will use the children as a means to justify my disagreement". It also means, "If I want something and you're not prepared to give it to me, I will use the children as a means to make you feel guilty".
If I have heard this once from my ex-wife I have heard it 1000 times.
I wanted to take the girls out one Tuesday night to dinner with some friends. I'd have them back by 7.30pm. "Not in their best interest", said she. "They need regular routine and the court said you only have them on a Wednesday. The following week, she had to go away on business. "Can you have them this Monday?". What about there routine? In their best interests is anything that is convenient for her.
The hard part in writing this blog is to not sound like some moaning old sod, cynical, pissed off, and just looking for a place to rant. They say that misery loves company, I'm not miserable and I am not looking for other miserable, pissed off, cynical people to have a big group moan with but there are times when you become so exasperated with the double standards that have your children treated like pawns.
"In the best interests of the children."
By definition, one would think that it means that the right course of action is that which will have the most benefit for the children even if it means that one parent isn't getting their own way. Given path A or path B, the path to take shall be the one that is the right one considering all the information we have at this time and what we know about the children.
But it really doesn't mean this at all. What it really means is, "If I don't agree with you, then I will use the children as a means to justify my disagreement". It also means, "If I want something and you're not prepared to give it to me, I will use the children as a means to make you feel guilty".
If I have heard this once from my ex-wife I have heard it 1000 times.
I wanted to take the girls out one Tuesday night to dinner with some friends. I'd have them back by 7.30pm. "Not in their best interest", said she. "They need regular routine and the court said you only have them on a Wednesday. The following week, she had to go away on business. "Can you have them this Monday?". What about there routine? In their best interests is anything that is convenient for her.
The hard part in writing this blog is to not sound like some moaning old sod, cynical, pissed off, and just looking for a place to rant. They say that misery loves company, I'm not miserable and I am not looking for other miserable, pissed off, cynical people to have a big group moan with but there are times when you become so exasperated with the double standards that have your children treated like pawns.
I fought the law and she won
Call me crazy but I always though that parents were 50/50 in their responsibilities to their children. More to the point, the children have the right to not be denied access to their parents and should be allowed 50/50 access to each parent.
Of course, this is utopia. Being pragmatic, there's always a set of circumstances that would require this 50/50 theory to be flexed. The question isn't where you finish in deciding how much these rights should be flexed, it's a question of where you start.
In the event that parents can't agree on visitation, the judge will decide. The minimum that a judge will often award is ever other weekend and one night, often a Wednesday, each week. In my case, this is exactly what was ordered. Wednesday from 4pm - 7pm and every other weekend from 4pm Friday through 6pm Sunday. This is the starting point. To get any more than this you have to laying down a mountain of proof normally geared to showing why the mother should have them less. This is never a positive spin on the mother. So, how do you get them for longer? How do you ensure that your children's rights to see you and have you in their life as much as is practical? You have two options: The first is to ask the mother for extra time with the children. In my case this has always been refused. The second is to take her back to court and ask for an amended visitation schedule. Good luck with this one.
What I found during this process is that if you are relying on the legal system to bring justice to an unjust situation then forget about it. It's a circus of performers. The lawyers, the judges, they're all the same. They know that long after you have gone on to pick up the pieces of your life they'll be representing some other guy and dealing with the same judges and the same lawyers. They don't care about their clients - what they care about is a) getting paid lots of money b) stirring up enough bitterness to ensure that the battle continues (meaning more money) and c) making sure they maintain a good relationship with the other lawyers (often the one representing your spouse) and the judge.
Of course, this is utopia. Being pragmatic, there's always a set of circumstances that would require this 50/50 theory to be flexed. The question isn't where you finish in deciding how much these rights should be flexed, it's a question of where you start.
In the event that parents can't agree on visitation, the judge will decide. The minimum that a judge will often award is ever other weekend and one night, often a Wednesday, each week. In my case, this is exactly what was ordered. Wednesday from 4pm - 7pm and every other weekend from 4pm Friday through 6pm Sunday. This is the starting point. To get any more than this you have to laying down a mountain of proof normally geared to showing why the mother should have them less. This is never a positive spin on the mother. So, how do you get them for longer? How do you ensure that your children's rights to see you and have you in their life as much as is practical? You have two options: The first is to ask the mother for extra time with the children. In my case this has always been refused. The second is to take her back to court and ask for an amended visitation schedule. Good luck with this one.
What I found during this process is that if you are relying on the legal system to bring justice to an unjust situation then forget about it. It's a circus of performers. The lawyers, the judges, they're all the same. They know that long after you have gone on to pick up the pieces of your life they'll be representing some other guy and dealing with the same judges and the same lawyers. They don't care about their clients - what they care about is a) getting paid lots of money b) stirring up enough bitterness to ensure that the battle continues (meaning more money) and c) making sure they maintain a good relationship with the other lawyers (often the one representing your spouse) and the judge.
When enough is enough
I think we all reach a point where we think enough is enough. Doesn't matter what it is.
For me, I had had enough of the lies in my life. I had had enough of being unhappy. I woke up one day and couldn't see what life held for me 10 years from now because I knew I could not handle what was going on. I knew for a fact that something would have to give. There's no way that the status quo can be maintained (and remain sane). I have had many friends divorce and in our conversations I have always assured them that whatever they are feeling right now will pass. In 5 years they will be in a different place and most assuredly be happier than they are now. With that in mind, somewhere between now and then there will be a point where it becomes all worthwhile and you're happy again. It could be next month, it could be next year, but as sure as the sun rises and sets, one day they'll be happy. It helps you keep the faith.
Why can we never follow our own advice?
Then one day i came home and my wife gave me an envelope. It contained a filing for divorce. I read the contents and it cited adultery as the reason for the divorce. She knew.
I hadn't told her about the affair, I didn't think she knew, but I guess women always know. She had decided enough was enough many months before and in the process of silently and secretly preparing for the divorce with her lawyers she had uncovered some financial information that proved that all was not as it should be in the fidelity department. She had me followed and got the evidence and that was all she needed. The divorce was going to happen regardless of whether she discovered anything or not but it played beautifully for her knowing that I had cheated. No emotion, no tears, no anger. She was cold and calculated in her delivery and her planning was meticulous.
She asked if it was love or just about the sex. Now there's a question! What do you say? In an attempt to repair the marriage do you say it was just meaningless sex or do you confess your sins and sin no more and tell the truth. It was love. It was the desire to give love and the need to be loved. And the sex, well that was great. Best ever.
Over the next month or so, any and every attempt to reconcile was met with a brick wall. She wanted out and there was no turning back. Enter the lawyers.
There seem to be two phases in a divorce: pre and post lawyer. We were having somewhat reasonable conversations but all geared around the ultimate goal of her wanting me out of the house and the end of the marriage as quickly as possible. Perhaps I should re-phrase that: As quickly as possibly but not too quickly if it meant compromising how much money she would walk away with. Within days of the lawyers getting involved it became a war. She wouldn't speak to me, every statement she ever made usually contained the words, "You'll have to have your lawyer send that to mine", or "I'll speak to my lawyer and see what he says", or "I can't comment on that based on the advice I have received from my lawyer". Overnight, this woman had become a recorded message of late night TV detective show cliches. No longer able to think for herself, or wanting to think for herself, she sub-contracted motherhood to her lawyer.
With a temporary court order in place which effectively relegated my role as a father to more like a babysitter, she was given the perfect stick with which to beat me. There's always a right time and a right place for anger, retaliation, and retribution. She paced herself and waited until the law gave her permission.
For me, I had had enough of the lies in my life. I had had enough of being unhappy. I woke up one day and couldn't see what life held for me 10 years from now because I knew I could not handle what was going on. I knew for a fact that something would have to give. There's no way that the status quo can be maintained (and remain sane). I have had many friends divorce and in our conversations I have always assured them that whatever they are feeling right now will pass. In 5 years they will be in a different place and most assuredly be happier than they are now. With that in mind, somewhere between now and then there will be a point where it becomes all worthwhile and you're happy again. It could be next month, it could be next year, but as sure as the sun rises and sets, one day they'll be happy. It helps you keep the faith.
Why can we never follow our own advice?
Then one day i came home and my wife gave me an envelope. It contained a filing for divorce. I read the contents and it cited adultery as the reason for the divorce. She knew.
I hadn't told her about the affair, I didn't think she knew, but I guess women always know. She had decided enough was enough many months before and in the process of silently and secretly preparing for the divorce with her lawyers she had uncovered some financial information that proved that all was not as it should be in the fidelity department. She had me followed and got the evidence and that was all she needed. The divorce was going to happen regardless of whether she discovered anything or not but it played beautifully for her knowing that I had cheated. No emotion, no tears, no anger. She was cold and calculated in her delivery and her planning was meticulous.
She asked if it was love or just about the sex. Now there's a question! What do you say? In an attempt to repair the marriage do you say it was just meaningless sex or do you confess your sins and sin no more and tell the truth. It was love. It was the desire to give love and the need to be loved. And the sex, well that was great. Best ever.
Over the next month or so, any and every attempt to reconcile was met with a brick wall. She wanted out and there was no turning back. Enter the lawyers.
There seem to be two phases in a divorce: pre and post lawyer. We were having somewhat reasonable conversations but all geared around the ultimate goal of her wanting me out of the house and the end of the marriage as quickly as possible. Perhaps I should re-phrase that: As quickly as possibly but not too quickly if it meant compromising how much money she would walk away with. Within days of the lawyers getting involved it became a war. She wouldn't speak to me, every statement she ever made usually contained the words, "You'll have to have your lawyer send that to mine", or "I'll speak to my lawyer and see what he says", or "I can't comment on that based on the advice I have received from my lawyer". Overnight, this woman had become a recorded message of late night TV detective show cliches. No longer able to think for herself, or wanting to think for herself, she sub-contracted motherhood to her lawyer.
With a temporary court order in place which effectively relegated my role as a father to more like a babysitter, she was given the perfect stick with which to beat me. There's always a right time and a right place for anger, retaliation, and retribution. She paced herself and waited until the law gave her permission.
The affair...
Having an affair is somewhat similar to a raccoon trap. You see the bait, it looks delicious and you can't believe your luck. You step closer and closer to the bait, you analyze your options and you think, why not? Here's some food, I need to be fed, I'm going to take a bite. What you don't see is the trap. You don't see that once you go past the point of no return you're not getting out easily.
Well I hope that the meal was worth it.
When I first met the woman that I had the affair with I was very attracted. Not to the point where I thought I had to have an affair with her - or in fact any kind of personal relationship outside of work. But I was attracted to her, and she to me. We started having lunch together, then dinner, then lunch and dinner. We often had to travel on business together which meant separate rooms at first but eventually we did the decent thing and began to save the company money by sharing. We talked every day. We sent thousands of text messages over the next couple of years and we were in love.
For the first time in years I felt loved and I was feeling in love. It was refreshing, wonderful, and it was so exciting. I was drunk on the feeling and I wanted more. So did she. Eventually we started to talk about me leaving my wife and building a life together. There were times when I would sit at home, look at my wife, and mouth the words 'I'm leaving you' silently. I just wanted the words to come out but they wouldn't. Each time, everytime, I tried the images of my girls raced into my mind. How could I leave them? How could I break up our family? How important is my happiness compared to theirs?
Back to the raccoon trap: The other woman was becoming impatient. She was putting her life on hold waiting for me to leave my wife. Promises came and went but no action was ever taken. And then the 'Fatal Attraction' shit starts. I'm exaggerating but be under no illusion: a woman that you have an affair with will eventually want you to make a commitment that you better understand before you start the affair. Of course, there are 'no strings attached' affairs that are just about sex, I guess, but when you tell the other woman that you love her and you start talking about a future you will hear that raccoon trap slam shut. You're in brother and you better make sure you enjoy the food and want to be in there because there's no way out that isn't going to hurt.
The pressure of balancing the two lives I was leading became unbearable. I was a stressed-out mess. There wasn't a single thing that was easy. My life at home was a disaster because I was hardly every there. I was either working, traveling away for work, or away seeing the other woman. The nights I was at home I had to make sure my phone was always in my pocket just in case a text message came through and I'd always have to deal with the other woman's feelings being hurt because I was at home with my wife playing the dutiful husband and father. The life with the other woman meant lying to my wife about where I was and making up elaborate stories about why I needed to be away again. Fortunately I had a job that for years had involved travel so it was not unusual for me to be away but, even so, it was hard to find ways of not giving out a hotel number because there's 2, not 1, in the room.
Having an affair is a totally stupid thing to do. If you get to the point where you want to have an affair, leave your wife right there and then. The stress, the guilt, the lies, the energy it takes is just not worth it. And not just that, you owe it to her as human being to not take her with you on your journey through hell. Every day you wake up feeling ashamed and know that today is another day that will be spent illicitly treading lightly through a minefield of deception.
You will want this feeling to end and one day it will. You just have to decide for yourself how - the painful way, or the really painful way.
Well I hope that the meal was worth it.
When I first met the woman that I had the affair with I was very attracted. Not to the point where I thought I had to have an affair with her - or in fact any kind of personal relationship outside of work. But I was attracted to her, and she to me. We started having lunch together, then dinner, then lunch and dinner. We often had to travel on business together which meant separate rooms at first but eventually we did the decent thing and began to save the company money by sharing. We talked every day. We sent thousands of text messages over the next couple of years and we were in love.
For the first time in years I felt loved and I was feeling in love. It was refreshing, wonderful, and it was so exciting. I was drunk on the feeling and I wanted more. So did she. Eventually we started to talk about me leaving my wife and building a life together. There were times when I would sit at home, look at my wife, and mouth the words 'I'm leaving you' silently. I just wanted the words to come out but they wouldn't. Each time, everytime, I tried the images of my girls raced into my mind. How could I leave them? How could I break up our family? How important is my happiness compared to theirs?
Back to the raccoon trap: The other woman was becoming impatient. She was putting her life on hold waiting for me to leave my wife. Promises came and went but no action was ever taken. And then the 'Fatal Attraction' shit starts. I'm exaggerating but be under no illusion: a woman that you have an affair with will eventually want you to make a commitment that you better understand before you start the affair. Of course, there are 'no strings attached' affairs that are just about sex, I guess, but when you tell the other woman that you love her and you start talking about a future you will hear that raccoon trap slam shut. You're in brother and you better make sure you enjoy the food and want to be in there because there's no way out that isn't going to hurt.
The pressure of balancing the two lives I was leading became unbearable. I was a stressed-out mess. There wasn't a single thing that was easy. My life at home was a disaster because I was hardly every there. I was either working, traveling away for work, or away seeing the other woman. The nights I was at home I had to make sure my phone was always in my pocket just in case a text message came through and I'd always have to deal with the other woman's feelings being hurt because I was at home with my wife playing the dutiful husband and father. The life with the other woman meant lying to my wife about where I was and making up elaborate stories about why I needed to be away again. Fortunately I had a job that for years had involved travel so it was not unusual for me to be away but, even so, it was hard to find ways of not giving out a hotel number because there's 2, not 1, in the room.
Having an affair is a totally stupid thing to do. If you get to the point where you want to have an affair, leave your wife right there and then. The stress, the guilt, the lies, the energy it takes is just not worth it. And not just that, you owe it to her as human being to not take her with you on your journey through hell. Every day you wake up feeling ashamed and know that today is another day that will be spent illicitly treading lightly through a minefield of deception.
You will want this feeling to end and one day it will. You just have to decide for yourself how - the painful way, or the really painful way.
Life up until this point...
It's fair to say that I didn't love my wife in the way that a husband should.
We'd been married for 11 years and the last 4 had been an uphill struggle. I just didn't want to be there. Ever had that feeling at a wedding or a company Christmas party where you 'had to show your face'? That's what my marriage was for me. Everyday, I woke up, showed my face, went to work (for as long as I could), came home, 'showed my face', had dinner, grunted a few words about my day and pretended to care - not very well as it turns out - about her day, played with the girls, they went to bed, I started work again, she went to bed, I stayed up and watched TV, fell asleep on the couch, went to bed at 4am, got up at 7am. Repeat this every day for the next 1460 days and you'll get the point.
I missed out the 'sex' part. That's because there was no 'sex' part. Unless you're counting the sex I had with myself. Great sex, that. Guaranteed never to get turned away and no need to exchange pleasantries or make up stuff you don't believe such as 'I love you'. The fact of the matter is that for the last two years of our marriage there was no sex and that, as they say, is an excellent barometer to the health of a relationship. The other reason why my sexless marriage had no effect was because I was having sex with someone else.
Spare me the shock and the head shaking in disapproval. I was having sex with a woman I worked with on a regular basis and it was fantastic. She is beautiful, sexy, smart, intelligent, adoring, the list could go on. She never complained about the time I got in from work, never bitched about what needed to be done this weekend, never complained that I left my underwear on the floor - jeez, she wanted my underwear on the floor, that way it wasn't on me!
Could my life have been more perfect? I had this young, sexy, amazing girl on the side and a wife to take care of my children and make sure that the house was taken care of. I look back at this, especially as I write this, and think to myself, is it possible that I could have been more of an asshole? The answer is, probably not.
We'd been married for 11 years and the last 4 had been an uphill struggle. I just didn't want to be there. Ever had that feeling at a wedding or a company Christmas party where you 'had to show your face'? That's what my marriage was for me. Everyday, I woke up, showed my face, went to work (for as long as I could), came home, 'showed my face', had dinner, grunted a few words about my day and pretended to care - not very well as it turns out - about her day, played with the girls, they went to bed, I started work again, she went to bed, I stayed up and watched TV, fell asleep on the couch, went to bed at 4am, got up at 7am. Repeat this every day for the next 1460 days and you'll get the point.
I missed out the 'sex' part. That's because there was no 'sex' part. Unless you're counting the sex I had with myself. Great sex, that. Guaranteed never to get turned away and no need to exchange pleasantries or make up stuff you don't believe such as 'I love you'. The fact of the matter is that for the last two years of our marriage there was no sex and that, as they say, is an excellent barometer to the health of a relationship. The other reason why my sexless marriage had no effect was because I was having sex with someone else.
Spare me the shock and the head shaking in disapproval. I was having sex with a woman I worked with on a regular basis and it was fantastic. She is beautiful, sexy, smart, intelligent, adoring, the list could go on. She never complained about the time I got in from work, never bitched about what needed to be done this weekend, never complained that I left my underwear on the floor - jeez, she wanted my underwear on the floor, that way it wasn't on me!
Could my life have been more perfect? I had this young, sexy, amazing girl on the side and a wife to take care of my children and make sure that the house was taken care of. I look back at this, especially as I write this, and think to myself, is it possible that I could have been more of an asshole? The answer is, probably not.
Telling the children...
I have two small girls aged 6 and 8.
They are beautiful, funny, intelligent, playful, and everything else that little girls of this age are supposed to be. That includes, naughty, mischievous, and prone to get into fights over the most insignificant matters imaginable.
Life for the two of them took a horrible twist just over a year ago. There was a day back then where their mother and I sat down to tell them that we were divorcing. The tears, the heartache, the almost physical pain I could see in their eyes, the look of total disbelief, the confusion, the fear, was a sight I never want to see again. Of course, all the experts say that children 'bounce back', they learn to adapt, they 'get over it'. They can call it whatever they like - I call it surviving.
Over the next few weeks there were so many questions with no easy answers. The 'adults' were asking questions along the lines of 'How much am I going to walk away with?'. The children are more interested in who's going to be there when they wake up in the morning.
I couldn't believe that we were handing our children these issues to deal with. I have never been so disgusted with myself. I was so ashamed that our actions as a couple had led to this. Ronald Reagan used to talk about trickle-down economics. Well here's trickle-down responsibility for your actions.
Throughout my life I have done many things that I am not proud of. There are many things that I have done that have been met with punishment and there are many that I have gotten away with. With hardly any exception, the effect of these actions has been contained. And in the cases where others were involved, handled appropriately, and we all move on.
But this is different. This is about two little girls that are now on the receiving end of my actions. And not just any two little girls - these are my girls.
They are beautiful, funny, intelligent, playful, and everything else that little girls of this age are supposed to be. That includes, naughty, mischievous, and prone to get into fights over the most insignificant matters imaginable.
Life for the two of them took a horrible twist just over a year ago. There was a day back then where their mother and I sat down to tell them that we were divorcing. The tears, the heartache, the almost physical pain I could see in their eyes, the look of total disbelief, the confusion, the fear, was a sight I never want to see again. Of course, all the experts say that children 'bounce back', they learn to adapt, they 'get over it'. They can call it whatever they like - I call it surviving.
Over the next few weeks there were so many questions with no easy answers. The 'adults' were asking questions along the lines of 'How much am I going to walk away with?'. The children are more interested in who's going to be there when they wake up in the morning.
I couldn't believe that we were handing our children these issues to deal with. I have never been so disgusted with myself. I was so ashamed that our actions as a couple had led to this. Ronald Reagan used to talk about trickle-down economics. Well here's trickle-down responsibility for your actions.
Throughout my life I have done many things that I am not proud of. There are many things that I have done that have been met with punishment and there are many that I have gotten away with. With hardly any exception, the effect of these actions has been contained. And in the cases where others were involved, handled appropriately, and we all move on.
But this is different. This is about two little girls that are now on the receiving end of my actions. And not just any two little girls - these are my girls.
Welcome to my blog
So I join the millions of other people that feel it necessary to share their inner most thoughts with an anonymous audience.
I can't say as I thought I would ever do this but, for some reason, I feel compelled to get much of what I have gone through these past 3 or 4 years off my chest. If what I've gone through helps you in some way, great, but that's not why I am doing this - I'm doing this to help me.
You're welcome to post and add comments as you wish. I know I am not alone in what I have gone through. Millions of men must have gone through this - are going through this.
There is a systematic disregard for the role of the father in the court system. The hypocrisy is nothing short of staggering. Young men are being abandoned in prisons, victims of gang culture, with the blame being put squarely on the absence of a father. Teenage girls bringing children into the world and the finger points to the role (or lack of it) of the father. Research the world over confirms beyond any reasonable doubt that a father must stay involved with his children.
So why, when divorce occurs, does the world turn it's back on those fathers that are desperate to be involved with there children more than every Wednesday and every other weekend?
Welcome to my blog. A journey through the past few years leading up to today. A journey that leaves me as a single dad making appointments to see my children and fighting to ensure that they don't become victims of frightening statistics.
I can't say as I thought I would ever do this but, for some reason, I feel compelled to get much of what I have gone through these past 3 or 4 years off my chest. If what I've gone through helps you in some way, great, but that's not why I am doing this - I'm doing this to help me.
You're welcome to post and add comments as you wish. I know I am not alone in what I have gone through. Millions of men must have gone through this - are going through this.
There is a systematic disregard for the role of the father in the court system. The hypocrisy is nothing short of staggering. Young men are being abandoned in prisons, victims of gang culture, with the blame being put squarely on the absence of a father. Teenage girls bringing children into the world and the finger points to the role (or lack of it) of the father. Research the world over confirms beyond any reasonable doubt that a father must stay involved with his children.
So why, when divorce occurs, does the world turn it's back on those fathers that are desperate to be involved with there children more than every Wednesday and every other weekend?
Welcome to my blog. A journey through the past few years leading up to today. A journey that leaves me as a single dad making appointments to see my children and fighting to ensure that they don't become victims of frightening statistics.
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